nearing midnight

To be whole for one reason: myself.
Maybe that’s why I feel so weak. It is difficult to fill my energy bags each day,
but as I sit here alone in this big empty cold apartment I realize the satisfaction of only worrying about
my soul. I will worry forever, but I am me only for me.
I am thankful for those around me who remind that I am strong, and remind me that I am not the only one who must be strong.
And one day I will die, and it will feel good, for I will know I have made my self purpose in making others realize the simple idea of the power of you.
Thankful for success. Thankful for failure.
I am strugging to be at peace with the immediate world around me. These people I know have their vices as I have my own, but they are different vices and we cannot compare and contrast. They cannot seem to grasp ahold of tomorrow. I grow farther and farther from them each moment.
But when I am alone here in my bed I dwell on that which cannot be controlled. I only wish that dreams did not rule my waking hour. I need someone to share real thoughts with. Organic & authentic thoughts. Thoughts which need no wall to climb.
Someone vomits in the distance. Sounds like a battle cry. What am I doing here? Why must i make THIS world my home? What is it that I find so “wrong” with the people and place around me? Someone roots through the dumpster outside my window.
Truths –
I cannot trust anyone to listen to my words unless I try to speak.
Independence means believing in the act of rising from bed each morning.
Vandalism of the mind includes anxiety of that which cannot be controlled, and thinking something is more than it is.
I am guilty of violating these truths, daily. Strength as an ideology is pointless to me anymore, since I’ve been fighting for ┬ámy weakness to grow into something more. But I am apathetic. And apathy which meets apathy head on causes a nuclear reaction of more apathy.